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Giving ruins to an unborn

Tue Sep 23, 2008, 8:52 AM
I'm working on a new lyric for the band I play in. It's a very slow song and it would be nice to hear some comments on the lyric.

Perhaps I can show you the final version of the song when we finished and recorded it.

---

Giving ruins to an unborn

We're closing down their view
before they could see the light
We're holding down their voices
when they needed us the most

We've taught them all we know
but they never learned how to live
or how to set their minds free
they only earned what we give

----

opening up their eyes
like a virgin pays her dues
they still know what we told them
and wish to close ' eyes again

our dust runs through their city
seeing ghosts shaking hands
hasting through some rotten lifes
they can't close eyes again

now they know what we left them
and now they see what is real
all what's behind the learnt things
they don't quite know how to feel

3 Comments
  • Mood: Sadness
  • Listening to: simpsons on tv
  • Drinking: water

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:iconsunnycjj:
*sunnycjj Sep 23, 2008, 3:40:31 PM
This and the last line are powerful:
they only earned what we give

It is all so true and so tragic. Nicely done. One question: did you mean "hastening"?
:iconfabuex:
~fabuex Sep 23, 2008, 10:02:22 PM
yeahdon't know if "hasting" or "hastening" is perfectly correct... The image I want to create is how fast we move through all the wasted lifes, too fast to help or recognize it obviously, but too slow to forget what we've seen.

It's hard to write such things in english sometiomes, because you have to depend on your feelings XD hope the rest seems to be correct
:iconsunnycjj:
*sunnycjj Sep 24, 2008, 8:18:11 AM
English is difficult. That's why I have always taught English, lol. Hasting is a noun. Hastening is an adverb. But in poetry, you can do whatever you want with grammar, so hasting may fit the rhythm and feeling better.

And yes, poetry is about feelings not grammar!

I translated a book of poetry from Italian to English for my doctoral modern language requirement. It was next to impossible because poets take license with grammar. It makes it hard to translate.
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